was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
