I'd wear matching sweaters with you
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
