Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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