She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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