We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
