dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
