Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
