saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
