Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
