the condom got lost in my hair
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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