last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You were trust falling into bushes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
