i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
