Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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