It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
