My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
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You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
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I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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