i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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