I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You were trust falling into bushes
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
