I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
