I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
