My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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