I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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