threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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