I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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