I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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