Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
