Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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