I haven't been this sober since birth.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
he had hair everywhere except his balls
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
