I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
