he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
