He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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