My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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