So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
