college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
