Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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