I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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