duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
