She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
