i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I fill condoms, not promises.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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