Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
