dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
