Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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