I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
my penis made a compromise with my morals
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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