im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
