I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
