When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Oh god it's open bar.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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