Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
