i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the day after is always just damage control
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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