What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
