my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
