I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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