That reminds me...we need to get swords
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
