We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
