Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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