Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
