why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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