hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
