Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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