Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
