I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like a drive thru vagina
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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