Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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